Read this if you want a more connected & fulfilling relationship
Last week my hubby and I escaped for a little overnight date night away from home, just us two, to spend some quality time in our own little bubble for 24 hours. We call it a date day… a whole 24 hours of no work, no computers, no emails, no social media - just us two. I think its sooo important to do!
Do you have regular date day’s with your woman or man?
We drove an hour up north and stayed at a fancy hotel (The Ovolo Hotel in The Valley) and then wined & dined in the lush middle eastern restaurant downstairs called ZA ZA TA. First of all let me just tell you - free mini bar, happy hour from 4 - 6pm with complimentary drinky pooh’s, the CUTEST pool and lounge area on the roof top and some insane arty vibes… made a next level date day!
Check them out on instagram here - their decor is to die for.
We felt like we were back in time having out first date again all those years ago, thinking of something fun to do , having no responsibility for just 24 hours, belly laughing & having hilarious chats.
Mix all that with a pillow menu (yep all different types of pillows to choose from HELLO), an Alexa in your room keeping the vibe high with your fave jams & epic views of the city… we kinda wished it was more of a date week. We had so much fun… and holy moly if you head to ZA ZA TA get yourself the entry level share platter & MAKE SURE you get the pretzel. Sounds weird but your life will seriously be made.
Back to that point though… how often do you plug off and just spend time with one another? Is it something you never do? Wish to do? Need to do more often?
You see so many women feel misunderstood, disconnected and frustrated in their relationships - and men feel the same too.
The big question is, why is this happening and what can we do to build stronger, more connected and supportive relationships in our lives?
I believe this topic will be incredibly valuable for you, whether you currently have a partner or whether you are single - it’s something that many women go through their entire lives without ever knowing about!
This type of strong, connected and supportive relationship is called a ‘conscious relationship’, so let’s start by defining what that truly means.
What is a conscious relationship?
A conscious relationship is one that involves the following:
Each person is committed to seeking out growth and expansion as a couple
Each person is committed to owning their own sh*t
You see challenges and conflicts as opportunities for growth and expansion
You remove expectations of what the other person ‘should’ be or do
You have a strong awareness of who you are and what you want as an individual
You remove judgement of the other or the situation, and you practice acceptance
You aim to be present in the relationship
All feelings are welcome and emotions are allowed to be experienced
Each person chooses to be in the relationship every day
If you have done any sort of self-development work, you’ll probably recognise the above as general life principles or practices - these are all equally applicable to your own life as they are to your relationships.
It starts with you
In order for a conscious relationship to work:
Both people need to bring their full selves to the table.
Both people need to work on themselves outside of the relationship.
And both people need to understand that they can’t control the other person, they can only control themselves.
No one else can ever give you what you really need - you must be willing and able to give it to yourself first. If you spend time giving to yourself each day, filling up your own cup, you’ll need to ‘take’ less from your partner and you’ll both be happier for it!
One way to begin practicing this is to start your day by doing something you love. This could be exercising, reading, meditating, whatever it is for you. It’s all about filling your own cup up first - you can’t support others if your cup is empty.
When we feel like we aren’t getting our needs met in a relationship, we often jump straight to blaming the other person. In a conscious relationship, you understand that it’s your responsibility to clearly communicate your needs so your partner can meet them.
Without clear communication no one gets what they want and everyone feels disconnected, especially when conflict arises.
Have you ever had an argument that led to you yelling that they “never do this” or “always do that?” This is you trying to communicate your needs, but in a heightened emotional state they will never be communicated clearly and they won’t be heard by your partner.
Learn to articulate how you feel what you want. It’s also important to have a plan of action for when your emotions are in a heightened state. You can do this by being clear with your partner on what you expect them to know in order to support you before things get out of hand.
Use this template: “In moments when I’m ___ I need ___.”
For example, “In moments when I’m upset I just need a hug.”
You’re not crazy - men and women are wired differently.
As humans, we naturally seek polarity in relationships. That’s where feminine and masculine energies come in - we are intensely attracted to the opposite energy.
The feminine energy is soft, intuitive, creative and feeling.
The masculine energy is ambitious, strong, leading and action taking.
Over history, masculine energy has been glorified and it’s even more noticeable today. Even in feminist movements, most women tend to be driven by that masculine, ambitious, action taking energy.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with masculine energy, but it’s important to find a balance between both masculine and feminine if you wish to thrive in your own life and relationships.
When the energies are off balance, we feel less attracted to each other and this can be the beginning of many relationship struggles. When that polarity of masculine and feminine balance is gone in a relationship, the passion goes with it.
She doesn’t feel heard or understood.
He feels like he is constantly trying but will never make her happy.
The solution to this energy battle is to first understand how to find your own balance of masculine and feminine energy, and second to understand how you and your partner can work in harmony together to restore the polarity and the passion.
The core needs of the feminine energy are love and safety - women often want to be heard and feel safe.
The core need of the masculine energy is freedom - men want to feel like they are needed, but they also need the space that comes with freedom.
Women need to focus on asking for what they need in a very clear and direct manner.
Men need to focus on feeling their partner, instead of just seeing her, as well as holding space and providing security (that means letting us vent and whinge without giving feedback, yep… sorry boys!)
Whenever im having a moment where I need to get something off my chest Matt always does a great job of asking me “Is this one of those times where I should just hold space for you, or should I give you advice?”
BEST QUESTION TO ASK FELLAS ☝🏽
Ladies, we can be proactive by simply saying “I need this to be one of those moments where you just hold space” OR “I need your advice” … pretty clear communication right there - women tend to calm down after this.
While men can support women by holding space, women can also support men by slowing down and being clear on what they want.
If you don’t even know what you want, how on earth will your partner ever be able to give it to you!?
It’s all about finding that energy balance in the relationship, then communicating needs and boundaries clearly.
Here’s how to find out what you want and need from your partner (and yourself)
What’s your love language?
If you haven’t already, check out the book “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman. There’s a quiz you can do here to discover your love language - I recommend doing it with your partner as well because you’ll need to know how to fill up their love cup too.
Sometimes in a relationship, you might feel like your partner is never showing you love, or likewise, they might feel unfulfilled too. Both of you are often doing your best, but you’re not in alignment with each others love language so the communication of love is lost in translation.
The five love languages are as follows:
1 - words of affirmation (anything verbal or written, public recognition, compliments, etc.)
2 - quality time (spending time together 1-1, even just a few mins)
3 - receiving gifts (tokens of appreciation and thought & “just because” gifts - doesn’t need to be expensive)
4 - acts of service (house chores, sweet and thoughtful gestures - anything that takes a bit of effort)
5 - physical touch (hugs, massage, holding hands etc. not just sex)
You can begin to identify your love language by thinking, “What makes me feel most loved?” or “what have people done in the past, or not done, that hurt me the most?”
The answers to these questions most likely fall into one or more of the buckets above.
Doing tiny things each day that can meet your partner’s language is important to make them feel loved and understood. Likewise, when you understand your own love language you can communicate your needs to your partner.
The 6 human needs
This is a concept from Tony Robbins, and he says as humans we all have 6 core needs. This is important to understand when it comes to learning about your own needs and the needs of your partner.
The 6 core human needs are:
Certainty (certainty of comfort - having pleasure and avoiding pain)
Uncertainty/variety (variety and challenges, both emotional and physical)
Significance (to feel special, important, wanted)
Love/connection (everyone needs to feel connected to other humans)
Growth (you’re either growing, or you’re dying. Emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth)
Contribution (we all desire to give to others and be of service.)
We each have unique combinations of needs at different stages of our lives, depending on what we are already getting and what we feel we aren’t getting enough of.
Someone with a want for two opposite needs, say both certainty and uncertainty, can cause inner conflict. This can lead to frustration and not having these needs met in one relationship could lead to someone searching for it in other places or with other people.
It’s important to find positive ways to meet your own needs, but also understand the needs of your partner and work together to find balance.
Every relationship has conflicts. Here’s how to deal:
Every relationship has conflicts, arguments and disagreements, these are all a normal part of life. However, what separates a healthy relationship from a dysfunctional one is how you and your partner respond to conflict - the way you respond will either bring you closer together or move you further apart.
We have no control over how our partner is going to respond in any given situation, but we do have complete control over how we respond.
The default for most people when they get overwhelmed or stressed is an automatic fight, flight or freeze response. This is often what happens when we argue with a significant other on autopilot, but it’s incredibly difficult to think rationally and resolve an issue when we are fighting, ‘flighting’, or freezing.
We must learn to deal with conflict by tuning into how we really feel, breathing through it and stepping away if needed. You must take 100% responsibility for the role you play, no matter the cause of the conflict.
There are typically 2 ways to deal with conflict:
With the intent to learn
To lovingly disengage
When it comes to the intent to learn, aim to see each conflict as a ‘soul assignment’ - something you must work on and work out in order to learn and grow as a couple.
If you can learn from every conflict, argument or challenging moment, you’re only going to grow stronger and have less problems in the future.
You grow through what you go through.
If you feel like you can’t be fully present when conflict arises, and you can’t recognise the growth opportunity because you are feeling too emotional, triggered or hurt, you can lovingly disengage.
All you need to say is “I can’t be fully present right now, I need to step away for a while and come back to this.”
Lovingly disengaging is very different to withdrawal or avoidance - you’re not running away or trying to protect yourself from being hurt. This is about honouring yourself enough to know you need a moment of space to deal with the situation effectively. Make sure you don’t use this as an excuse to close off - instead go off and do something with yourself, even just for a minute, then come back and deal with it.
When this happens in my life, I’ll set a quick phone timer for just a few minutes and breathe into what I’m feeling or what has happened. I think about why it’s hurting me so much and what the real reason is that I’m upset or triggered. This then allows me to come back to the situation with a level head and communicate my needs and feelings clearly.
The real reason we (subconsciously) sabotage our own relationships
Have you ever felt frustrated, envious or angry at someone or something for no real reason? You know they haven’t really done you wrong, but you can’t help but feel angry, annoyed or hurt by them or their actions.
The reason this happens is that they are triggering something in you on a deeper level. We all have emotional triggers, most of the time we don’t even know they exist!
Triggers are a reflection of a) something in you that you haven’t been willing to look at or b) something that you haven’t yet tuned in to.
For example, you might get triggered by your partner getting a promotion or winning something as a result of their hard work. If you feel resentment, anger or envy when your partner is winning, it’s likely because deep down you know you haven’t been living up to your own potential.
Sometimes it’s a past trauma from childhood (small or big) that can be triggered subconsciously by other people or situations.
Until we deal with the deeper cause of the feelings, we will continue to be triggered over and over again.
Remember, when you’re feeling triggered it’s often not about the other person. Put it into perspective - if this wasn’t a deep wound for you, their behaviour wouldn’t trigger you.
You’ve got to take radical ownership of your feelings and remember you can’t control other people - it’s up to you to figure out why you’re upset and decide on a course of action to resolve the conflict (whether that’s internally on your own, or with the help of your partner.)
Most couples coast through life feeling misunderstood, disconnected and unfulfilled. You don’t need to be one of them - use the information in this post as a starting point to begin to create your own conscious relationship.
Have that conversation with your significant other. Implement these strategies next time conflict arises. Show them this article or talk about the things you learned - gauge if they’re open to the same growth and development you are seeking.
Go ahead and also book a date day. Getaway mid week or on the weekend. Kid free. Responsibility free. Technology free and work free and just talk, connect, play games, go on a adventure, do something out of the norm and bring that spark into your relationship like its your first date. I promise it will seriously add some zaz into your love life ❤️
I hope this served you today.
Chani x